Wallflower

Growing up, I was the wallflower. The fat girl that was too shy to talk to anyone outside of my little friend group.
I hated gym, hated sports and dreaded the mandatory swimming in middle school all due to being self-conscious and uncomfortable.I remember my parents deciding that I needed to be more active during summer breaks, so I was signed up for softball several summers in a row.
It wasn't too horrid if I don't count the twisted knees and ankles and the broken fingers. (We were a bunch of tomboy-ish country girls...playing nice was not our thing. Even the biggest of the boys' teams wouldn't square off with us!)
I also remember my stepmom starting me on diets at roughly 10 years of age. Whatever the fad diet of the time was, I was made to go on it. She'd have me stand side-ways in front of her friends when they came to visit so they could discuss how big I was. It was mortifying.
As I got older, I became the 'little sister' of the group I hung out with. I can't even begin to count the number of times I heard the phrases...
"You're cute, like a little sister."
(to this day I hate being called cute. The term cute is for puppies and babies!)
And the absolute worst,
"If you just lost a few pounds..." (I I lost weight then what...you'd date me? Want to be seen with me? Ugh!)
Why do I bring this up? Just setting the stage I suppose.
It seemed that my whole life I was fighting to lose weight. Fighting to become the image of what everyone else thought I should be and learning to hate myself. Dieting and self-denial became my way of life. Depression and binge eating were my closest friends.
After the birth of my daughter, I was diagnosed with M.S. All of a sudden I not only had friends and family telling me what a failure I was, now I had the whole medical community on my case as well. I was sent to nutritionists, dieticians, exercise centers, etc. They all shoved the same ideas at me... weight loss was difficult, weight loss was about demanding absolute commitment to whatever pills/drinks/food regimen they prescribed with zero deviations.
Eventually, after failing so many times, I decided to check into bariatric programs. Those were terrifying to me and even more demanding. It really felt like I had been set up to fail and was successfully doing such with my life.
Two years ago, I separated from my husband of 20+ years and moved back to my hometown. After wallowing in self pity and chocolate, I decided that it was time to make some basic changes. The two biggest things I did...
1. I started eating what I like. I got rid of the heavy foods I had been cooking to please others for the last twenty years and started taking in lots of fresh veggies, and
2. I started making myself get out and walk. Not a set amount or trying to break speed records, or anything like that, just getting out of the house and doing gentle movement.
The changes weren't huge, or hard to maintain. They were more a change of my mindset and just allowing myself to do for me. The results of that are a 50lb weight loss so far this year. No stress, no strain, no fad diets, no crazy workouts, just some basic little things and it has made a huge difference.
So to all those people over the years that tried to bury me in self-doubt, negativity, and all around misery... I salute you with a huge, wet, raspberry blown in your general direction!

A bit about me

Should anyone come across this and wonder, I will put a bit about me. (yes I have no ideas for now so this will do).

Lets see... where to start? I am a soon to be 52 year old woman. I just recently moved back to my home town after separating from my husband/partner of 25 years. (thats a long story for another post).

I, even more recently, self-published my first book of poetry (its available on Amazon and Kindle) and I spend my time hanging out with my kiddo (22 years old... where did the time go?), and my cat, Sonatra.

Yes, he looks regal and pretty but appearances are decieving... he is a spoiled little gremlin!

I tend to live very much in the moment. Whats the old saying...the past is gone, the future unknown, but the here and now is a gift which is why it is called the present... or something like that anyways. I can be a bit of a worrier so I try very hard to maintain my serenity day by day, moment by moment. I always look for the beautiful things in front of me instead of trying to ferret out the ugliness so prevelent in today's world.

Thats pretty much me in a nutshell. Nothing too out-of-the-ordinary, just lil' ol' me.

Greetings and Hallucinations

Hey y'all. This is my first posting so I thought I would introduce myself a bit... I am a newly separated woman, re-learning how to navigate the world on my own once again. This blog is basically my new go-to space to scream out into the void when needed. Theres been a lot of changes in the past couple of years and sometimes things just get a bit overwhelming. This will be my journaling spot to air out all those fun, new feelings as well as figuring out the conundrums of relearning single living. Theres so many things I want to do. Experiences to go through, goals both big and small to achieve. Life to live. Projects to complete. I just need to figure out a good starting point. My first project...? Learning how to kick insomnia's backside and start sleeping normally again. I'm open to suggestions. p.s. Just a note on the whole 'adult content' notification. Sometimes I cuss. That is pretty much it. Just wanted to make it known.